NEWS ITEM: Michael Bloomberg pledges to help fund Democratic nominee even if it isn’t him.

Bloomberg: Congratulations, Bernie. You did it. And Stacey Abrams is a very shrewd pick as running mate.

Sanders: Thank you, Mike. Your anti-Trump ads have been just terrific.

Bloomberg: Well, that’s what I wanted to discuss.

Sanders: Yes?

Bloomberg: Some of us billionaires aren’t all that evil. I mean, I’m as good as it gets on gun control, tobacco, gay rights, abortion—not to mention defense of the rule of law.

Sanders: I’ll give you that.

Bloomberg: So, maybe, for the sake of party unity, do you think you might tone down the class warfare just a tad?

Sanders: As I’ve said repeatedly, the only class warfare in this country comes from the top. What did you have in mind?

Bloomberg: Well, you might stop saying things like “Billionaires should not exist.”

Sanders: They absolutely should not exist. Why do you need that much money?

Bloomberg: It expresses who I am.

Sanders: It only buys concentrated power. Liberal billionaires like you are terrible on all the pocketbook issues that got me nominated. You want finance to be able to run wild, so that you can rake in even more billions.

Bloomberg: You know, that’s hurtful. My money can help defeat Trump. I was expecting just a bit of magnanimity.

Sanders: Mike, you got the wrong guy. I hope you’ll keep spending to elect Democrats to the Senate. But I’m in politics to reduce the influence of people like you. So if you don’t want to spend your money to help elect me, that’s fine. We have plenty of small donors.